Jenny the Bloggess talks about her experiences.
I've been struggling a lot myself, especially with the self-harm. I feel like I'm close to breaking this hump, like there's a wall between me and the world and if I can just get over it I'll be okay. I go through cycles of depression, so I keep telling myself that it will end, that there is an upswing. Sometimes it's really hard to see that there will be one.
My self-harm is messing up my life. I wreck things, forget things, burn bridges and make mistakes I know will make things worse for myself. I almost wish I did cut myself instead, because that would only hurt me instead of ruining my chances at jobs, friendships and my own success. I feel like I can't have any of those things. I don't deserve them, I'll only disappoint so why not ruin everything now, so I can control it. I also hurt my own body. I eat food that makes me sick, I make myself get fat and then hate myself for it.
I know that doesn't make sense. I know in the clear moments it's not what I want, but it's like I can't help myself. It's like there's this awful creature inside me that takes over my body, keeping me immobile or pigging out or using my mouth to say things I never wanted to say. If depression was a person I'd kick the shit out of them and bury them in a ditch and no one would care.
I loved myself once. I want to feel like that again. I'm so busy feeling like shit and hating myself I'm missing my whole life.
I need to believe that I can not feel this way. A few things happening lately have been bringing me up a little, I am starting to have some of the feelings I had before on my last upswing. I have to keep believing this will get better. I don't know why I believe it, I just do. I think if I get this potential job it will help me, because it's about helping other people and it'll get me out of the house and out of my head, but I know there's more to loving myself than that.
There is so much I want to do, so much I can do, and my depression is the only thing in my way. It seems such a huge, impassable thing though. I wonder if I will ever conquer it.