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02 May 2012 @ 10:10
On depression  

Jenny the Bloggess talks about her experiences.
I've been struggling a lot myself, especially with the self-harm. I feel like I'm close to breaking this hump, like there's a wall between me and the world and if I can just get over it I'll be okay. I go through cycles of depression, so I keep telling myself that it will end, that there is an upswing. Sometimes it's really hard to see that there will be one.

My self-harm is messing up my life. I wreck things, forget things, burn bridges and make mistakes I know will make things worse for myself. I almost wish I did cut myself instead, because that would only hurt me instead of ruining my chances at jobs, friendships and my own success. I feel like I can't have any of those things. I don't deserve them, I'll only disappoint so why not ruin everything now, so I can control it. I also hurt my own body. I eat food that makes me sick, I make myself get fat and then hate myself for it.
I know that doesn't make sense. I know in the clear moments it's not what I want, but it's like I can't help myself. It's like there's this awful creature inside me that takes over my body, keeping me immobile or pigging out or using my mouth to say things I never wanted to say. If depression was a person I'd kick the shit out of them and bury them in a ditch and no one would care.
I loved myself once. I want to feel like that again. I'm so busy feeling like shit and hating myself I'm missing my whole life.
I need to believe that I can not feel this way. A few things happening lately have been bringing me up a little, I am starting to have some of the feelings I had before on my last upswing. I have to keep believing this will get better. I don't know why I believe it, I just do. I think if I get this potential job it will help me, because it's about helping other people and it'll get me out of the house and out of my head, but I know there's more to loving myself than that.
There is so much I want to do, so much I can do, and my depression is the only thing in my way. It seems such a huge, impassable thing though. I wonder if I will ever conquer it.
Expressing: crushedcrushed
Pollykook: pic#54093889pollykook on 12th May 2012 11:28 (UTC)
IOne thing I have to say about my own experience, is that the "forced sobriety" ( I stay sober in camp) has helped me shake many of the things and thoughts that feed the depressive mind set. You are right, that job will be helpful but so will applying elsewhere as to not set yourself up for failure should you not get this one. You are stronger than you know and a beautiful person. Remember Pat from apt J? She died b4 she could love herself or see what we saw in her.that's what that evil thing inside of you will do.please, you don't need to go down that route.I heart you man.
Meanderthalmadfishmonger on 16th May 2012 16:28 (UTC)
Thank you.